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An opening crawl that I feel needs a little help.
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Captain
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Joined: 01 May 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:28 am    Post subject: An opening crawl that I feel needs a little help. Reply with quote

This is the opening crawl to a fanfic I'm working on right now. The time is 9 BBY and I have about 13,000 words so far. I know it is a bit too long, but I can't think of what to prune.

I'm looking for suggestions, which I may or may not use, but suggestions nevertheless.

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It is a decade into the reign of EMPEROR PALPATINE. The EMPIRE now occupies the same territories that used to comprise the OLD REPUBLIC, and it continues to subjugate new worlds at an alarming rate.

The light that was the JEDI ORDER has finally flickered out. The Emperor’s apprentice, DARTH VADER, has succeeded in tracking down and killing many Jedi who escaped the Emperor's purge. It is whispered that the Jedi are finally extinct—though there are those who continue to secretly hope.

On CORELLIA, a group of thieves is about to stumble upon a treasure that may help turn the tide of battle against the agents of the DARK SIDE, and a young girl is about to embark upon on an odyssey no one could have possibly imagined, joined by an old nerf herder who has purposefully forgotten himself…

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Sutehp
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Joined: 01 Nov 2016
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Location: Washington, DC (AKA Inside the Beltway)

PostPosted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...purposefully gotten himself what? Confused

EDIT: Ohhh, purposefully forgotten himself.

D'oh.

EDIT 2: Wait, can people do that deliberately? I kinda thought they just sorta stumbled into that sort of thing. I've never seen forgetting something as a deliberate action, especially when people try so hard to remember something but can't. ("I can't remember, because I forgot! I'd remember if I could....") Is taking an alias the same thing as purposefully forgetting yourself? Like Caleb Dume renaming himself Kanan Jarrus?

Aside from that, that's a nice opening crawl.
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Captain
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Joined: 01 May 2005
Posts: 680
Location: Any blackberry patch.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's another version. It's similar to the first except slightly shortened:

A decade has elapsed since EMPEROR PALPATINE dispensed with the OLD REPUBLIC and replaced it with the GALACTIC EMPIRE. Using its powerful military, the Empire continues to subjugate new worlds at a startling rate.

The flame that was the JEDI ORDER has finally flickered out. The Emperor’s apprentice, DARTH VADER, has personally tracked down and killed many of the Jedi who escaped the Emperor’s purge. It is whispered that the Jedi are finally extinct—though there are those who continue to secretly hope.

On CORELLIA, a group of thieves is about to stumble upon a treasure that may help turn the tide of battle against the agents of the DARK SIDE, and a young girl is about to embark upon on an odyssey no one could have possibly imagined, joined in arms by an old nerf herder…

_________________
The only words of explanation you need for any concept in the entire Star Wars universe are the words Science Fiction and Space Opera.
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