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The Anguish of the Indictor
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Inad
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Joined: 15 Jun 2018
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 3:04 am    Post subject: The Anguish of the Indictor Reply with quote

Hi. I don't know if this is the right place to post this but here it goes. If there's a better place please let me know.

I've been publishing the Star Wars D6 adventures I've written and played for a few years now in my blog: http://historiasconcilio.blogspot.com There are about a dozen modules ready to play there, Texts are in Spanish though.

I few days ago I made my first atempt to translate one of them to English. The Anguish of the Indictor is available for download at http://historiasconcilio.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-anguish-of-indictor-star-wars-d6.html

Any comments or advices on it will be welcomed.


Last edited by Inad on Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Zarn
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's a period at the end of your URL for the adventure, which confuses a browser trying to open it. I suggest you remove the period.
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Inad
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zarn wrote:
There's a period at the end of your URL for the adventure, which confuses a browser trying to open it. I suggest you remove the period.


Done. Thank you.
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Zarn
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Impressions:

The layout is excellent. No, better than that - I think it is superb. You've made an obvious effort in matching the layout of other published adventures, and the time you've put into this really shows. If I ever get the chance, I'll take this adventure for a spin with a new group to see how it plays out!

The rest is feedback, and nitpicky at that:

I would've loved to see a table of contents for quick reference to various sections, and I think an appendix with the stat blocks of the various NPCs, droids, and what have you would make it easier to look up the pertinent information. I would've also liked to see an appendix with a couple of handouts - for instance, the puzzle on page 10, the sidebar "Damage Report I" and "Damage Report II", perhaps some or all of the maps, and so on; it just makes it easier to print out whatever one would like to use as a handout.

A few sample characters would also be nice, as the text refers to handing out characters numbered 1 through 6 (potentially). It would also help with my one major objection to the entire adventure - if the characters are loyal Imperial subjects, they're more likely to follow Colonel Jetero's orders when they are stated, and would likely not have abandoned their stations unless Captain Zeraus ordered the crew to abandon ship. Which means that when Colonel Jetero decides to try ramming some of the opposition (I'm assuming that's the idea before she decides to abandon ship), it seems likely that many aboard the ship would return to their stations.

The cover page is superior in quality to page 2 in the PDF - for some reason, page 2 is blurry. It seems as if it was made as an image at a certain resolution and saved as a JPEG rather than being made using PNG graphics or vector graphics.

Senator Moo Fee Ta's name feels like an in-joke or lost in translation joke, somehow. I'm not sure why. The good senator's spelling changes occasionally, but not often enough to be much of an issue.

The language used on page 5 in Italics - particularly the last sentence - is somewhat jarring. In particular, I suggest rewriting the last two lines. "I am in command of this Star Destroyer", or "I am the Captain of this starship appointed by the Emperor and I outrank you!" or something like that for the first one. The second line ... well, I think it is obvious why I think it should be replaced.

I would've loved to see the various skill checks and obstacles being separated more from the text. I can't easily discern where one skill challenge starts, ends, or where the next one starts. Having a text block at the beginning of each segment with the descriptive text would've made it much easier to follow. Maybe a flow chart or something to let the GM easily follow where the various characters are in the adventure.

The Major on page 6 likely deserves a better writeup, and maybe even a name. Having a handout or chart with names and just striking them out as they're used would likely be a great help for the GM.

The sentence "The major will point his weapon towards whoever enters the room and will walk into the escape pod without turning back" (pg 6, left column, right below the sidebar "Indictor Crew") is a bit odd. The gist of it seems that the Major's backing into the escape pod, covering everyone with his sidearm up until the escape pod hatch closes?

Same page, same column - I suggest using "cloud" instead of "bunch" in "The pod will transform into a bunch of wrecked ceramic and hardsteel pieces around which the corpses of those travelling in it will orbit aimlessly". Rewriting the sentence might make it flow better.

Colonel Jetero changes gender on page 7, in second to last paragraph, page 9, in the second to last paragraph, and on page 18, the second paragraph.

I won't go into more detail about the text, but I want to point out that I particularly enjoyed the "Repairing the Rudder" minigame.

There also seems to be two Episode Threes, for some reason - I believe that page 16 should likely read "Episode Four Deck 20" rather than "Episode Three Deck 20".
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Raven Redstar
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to check this out. Thanks for sharing!
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 1:09 pm    Post subject: Re: The Anguish of the Indictor Reply with quote

Inad wrote:
Hi. I don't know if this is the right place to post this but here it goes. If there's a better place please let me know.

Welcome to the Pit! This is the right place to post this.

Inad wrote:
I've been publishing the Star Wars D6 adventures I've written and played for a few years now in my blog: http://historiasconcilio.blogspot.com There are about a dozen modules ready to play there, Texts are in Spanish though.

I found your blog last week. Thanks for sharing it here. I hope other bilingual Star Wars D6 fans reading this find it and use your adventures.

Inad wrote:
I few days ago I made my first atempt to translate one of them to English. The Anguish of the Indictor is available for download at http://historiasconcilio.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-anguish-of-indictor-star-wars-d6.html

Last week I uploaded it to The Rancor Pit Library. Here is the direct URL: The Anguish of the Indictor

Inad wrote:
Any comments or advices on it will be welcomed.
Zarn wrote:
The layout is excellent. No, better than that - I think it is superb. You've made an obvious effort in matching the layout of other published adventures, and the time you've put into this really shows. If I ever get the chance, I'll take this adventure for a spin with a new group to see how it plays out!

The rest is feedback, and nitpicky at that:...

Wow, Zarn! Thanks for posting this! I had noticed a couple of these things on my quick overview.

Inad, if you ever make a revised version and implement this feedback, please let me know. Thanks again for making this adventure!
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Sutehp
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Inad, welcome to the Pit! Yeah, I'm going to take a look at your adventure. Just for the record, I'm originally from Argentina (Buenos Aires specifically) so I also speak Spanish, although since my family and I moved to the US when I was only 2 months old, English is my first language...and my Spanish is pretty atrocious, especially for a porteƱo like me. And yeah, I can't read Spanish for crap. It's a bit of a running joke among me and my family that I don't speak Spanish all that well (even if I can speak it enough to get by).

All that aside, I'd like to take a look at Anguish of the Indictor and if you don't mind, I'd like to offer some editing corrections. If you need confirmation of my credentials, just ask Oliver Queen about me; I've been doing some editing work for the upcoming Rogue One and Rebels Season 3 fanbooks for him.

And if you want to see some of my work that's been posted already, just download the Legacy of the Force sourcebook here at the Pit. (It's about 10 entries below your Indictor adventure. I'd link to it directly, but the filename url has too many brackets to be directly linked here.) I edited that whole book for Thor Thorson (aka Treefrog here at the Pit). Treefrog and his friend did all the stats and number crunching as well as a good chunk of the writing, but I edited that whole thing as well as wrote what Thor and his friend didn't. (Yes, it's a shameless plug of my work, but I figured you'd want proof of my skills. Cool )
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Inad
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you all for you comments and support. I will work on a revised version and will let you know whenever it is ready. This has really encouraged me to go ahead with the translation of my other modules.

Zarn wrote:
Impressions:
A few sample characters would also be nice, as the text refers to handing out characters numbered 1 through 6 (potentially). It would also help with my one major objection to the entire adventure - if the characters are loyal Imperial subjects, they're more likely to follow Colonel Jetero's orders when they are stated, and would likely not have abandoned their stations unless Captain Zeraus ordered the crew to abandon ship. Which means that when Colonel Jetero decides to try ramming some of the opposition (I'm assuming that's the idea before she decides to abandon ship), it seems likely that many aboard the ship would return to their stations.


The idea was to present Jetero as a fanatic willing to die for the Empire and not minding having the rest of the crew of the Indictor killed. Zeraus does order to evacuate the ship before he is killed by Jetero and the text suggest how NPCs might present Jetero as a fanatic and how the DM might offer the characters past experiences reinforcing that idea. Loyal does not imply suicidal.

Jetero only decides to abandon the ship when it has already left the battle.

Zarn wrote:

Senator Moo Fee Ta's name feels like an in-joke or lost in translation joke, somehow. I'm not sure why. The good senator's spelling changes occasionally, but not often enough to be much of an issue.


Mofeta is Spanish for skunk.
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Zarn
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hah, thank you for confirming that there was an in-joke with that name Smile I'm sure there's lots of other little asides I missed, but at least I got one right.
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Whill
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Inad wrote:
I will work on a revised version and will let you know whenever it is ready. This has really encouraged me to go ahead with the translation of my other modules.

Yay! That's great news. We're here for you.
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cheshire
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, keep us posted with what else you release!
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Sutehp
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed, Inad, I'm looking forward to the translations of your other adventures.
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Telsij
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Inad wrote:
Thank you all for you comments and support. I will work on a revised version and will let you know whenever it is ready. This has really encouraged me to go ahead with the translation of my other modules.

Just stumbled upon this thread now. Bien hecho, senor! Tambien tengo ganas de leer los otros que ya escribiste!

(I'm not a native speaker, but I studied in school and my wife is half-Ecuadorian.) Please do let us know if/when any of your other modules are translated!
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